The Romance Problem
by TheTaliSheppin
Summary: That is what this is about. Love interests are after Shepard like Rabid Wolves without their rabies shots. Kal'Reegar likes Tali'Zorah Shepard likes Tali Miranda lusts for Shepard, and so does Jack Liara and Ash Uh oh is an understatement. Set in ME2 aftr
1. The Miranda Plot

+++++++AFTER FREEDOM'S PROGRESS+++++++

Having just found himself alone, and two years behind the rest of the world, Commander Shepard sat alone in the mess hall of the SR-2 NORMANDY, refusing every attempt from his crew at companionship, instead deciding to drown in his own misery.

He would rather be in his own cabin, but EDI currently had it in lockdown; she wanted him to "be more social".

Miranda glanced over at the man across the room from her, the split second of eye contact was enough for her genetically enhanced mind to note even the most minuscule of details.

His jaw was clenched; this meant anger or stress.

His eyes were a dark shade of grey instead of their usual deep purple; pointed to stress.

His ears were a dark shade of red; this piqued her interest; something was stimulating him.

Nostrils slightly inflared; excitement.

_Commander Shepard is currently sexually frustrated._ She decided with a sniff. _He must have an object of affection; and this object is causing his distress._

He leaned back in his chair, and groaned as he ground the palms of his hands into his eye sockets.

_At this rate, continued trauma will affect the mission's success._ She fretted, biting her thumb between perfect teeth. _I cannot allow this to continue. _

"Miranda? What's up?" Jacob said without concern when she suddenly stood.

She pursed her well-shaped, bright red lips, inwardly debating whether to answer. _Jacob is friendly with the Commander. He could be useful._ "I must seduce Shepard. And I need to start now or else it will be too late."

Jacob almost fell out of his chair.

"Standby for assistance." She stated coolly, then took off.

Her black heels clicked across the floor and she ran a hand down the front of her chest, down her side, then smiled, pompously smug at the perfect cleavage, at the most perfect of curves. Her weapons ready, she took her place across from the Commander Shepard; a small revolving chair.

"Go away" He grumbled, head covered by his hands. "Leave."

"Commander." She waited for him to lift his head, make eye contact. Then she arched her back and sucked in air, expanding her repertoire. "I must discuss something with you, privately." Dark lashes aflutter, she spoke rough and seductive. "Perhaps we should retire to your… cabin's **bed**room and spend some… private time….._**together**_" She purred the last word perfectly. The Commander wouldn't stand a chance.

His head dropped back into his arms and he started snoring.

++++++AFTER COLLECTOR ATTACK++++++++++++

"Tali's in trouble!" Shepard shouted, looking more alive than they'd seen him in months. "Garrus, I need you for this mission!"

He had just returned from a conversation with the Illusive Man, and suddenly his corpse-like self that seemed to go through life asleep had been shed; and the butterfly that had saved the universe as they knew it had emerged. He could be doing ballet in the cockpit with Joker, and they would have been less surprised.

His arms were overfull with bundles of Dossiers, and they all fell to the floor as he held one triumphantly before the turian; his most loyal friend. "Full speed to Haestrom!" He shouted, then chuckled as Joker muttered a response. He spoke in lower tones to his friend beside him. "We're going to pull her sorry self out of a helluva tough place. She'll be begging to join the crew once we get down there." He was giddy; Miranda noted the shaky hands and crinkling of the eyes.

She searched her memory for the name Tali, and came up with an image of a light-obscured face; a hooded purple quarian trying to shove down the guns of hostiles and fellow quarians. Her photographic memory threw in texts summarizing Shepard's salvation of the Citadel, and Tali's accompaniment throughout it. _Tali is a previous crewmember_ Miranda let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. It made sense. Shepard had gotten more and more energy since reuniting with Garrus Vakarian; of course he would be excited to make contact with another ex-Normandy comrade. _For a second time._

Shepard grinned foolishly at his friend as Garrus reacted enthusiastically to the idea of rescuing an "idiotic quarian wench that never could take care of herself no matter how big she tried to talk just like this one crook I met back when I worked at C-Sec, man that was a laugh you interested alright so this volus…". Jacob and Miranda winced in perfect harmony at the turian's constantly running sad-excuse-for-a-mouth.

After Garrus' story had run its length, Shepard and he shook on partnering up for this particular mission. Once Miranda realized the Commander seemed to have no intention of recruiting any other crew members, she volunteered. Only to be rudely shot down by a complete and total fool.

"Bringing a Cerberus Operative on a mission to recruit Cerberus-hating quarians is hardly a good tactic." Garrus grumbled loudly.

Jacob perked up. "Take me then. I can be a priiize they won't forget."

This was met with three withering glares to which the man excused himself to go tinker with some weapons with Mordin.

"Besides me, who else can you take? I can keep my mouth shut when need be, unlike my unnecessary counterpart. Mordin is too busy trying to find out a way to the Collector's base. I'm the only reasonable choice. One squad member will fail you, just as only one arm will fail you." She turned to Shepard, and was close enough to smell his breath of minty freshness. "With two, you can be complete. One whole being." She breathed the last word into his nostrils. Miranda had made sure to rinse twice with her Cerberus-approved tooth-cleaning and breath-freshening materials. A delicious breath enticed many a man.

It must have worked, because Shepard shrugged his approval. "Come along if you'd like, I really don't care. Just don't get in the way of the mission." He said vehemently.

She smiled coolly and triumphantly.

Garrus shook his head disappointedly as the duo left the room. "You're too easy on the Cerberus trash, sir."

To which the Commander burst out laughing.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thanks for reading hopefully I'll have the next chapter within the week. **

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	2. The Tali Capture

++++ON HAESTROM++++++++

Tali watched a cockroach be eaten up in flames and turned to ash.

_That could have been me._ She shuddered at the thought.

Having arrived on Haestrom for a top-secret mission half a month ago, Tali'Zorah vas Neema felt as though the enormous casualties of the task were rapidly outweighing the ends. Far too many of her squad had fallen at the hands of the geth. Routed into impossibly-powerful sunlight and slaughtered like sheep, it seemed few quarians stood a chance.

The only ones still alive were those with extraneous battle experience; Tali could count them on one three-fingered hand. _Kal'Reegar and his squad of elite marines. Tor'Shana and Evad'ura._

Thirty quarians slain.

_It's not worth it._ Her fist clenched. _It should have been me._

She was grateful for her helmet then; it kept the tears from landing on her omni-tool and destroying all they had sacrificed themselves for.

+++++++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE+++++++++

If it weren't for Kal'Reegar, it would have been her.

Armed with a grenade launcher, he had single-handedly exploded 30 of the 80 geth towards synthetic death. But his squad mates had gotten greedy; wanted some of the glory. Ignoring his order to stay out of sight and let him and his beloved, though oversized weapon take care of the monsters, they had been burned up by the sun like dumb cockroaches. The idiots. He didn't hold it against them, though. A fine specimen such as Tali'Zorah could and would of course cause a man to go soft in the head. _She's why I'M on this suicide run of a mission,_ he noted with pride that his dependable taste in the opposite gender was shared among fellow quarians. Six of them had admitted to having a few cameo shots deep in the encrypted files of their omni-tools, though whether they had mentioned it before or after they burned up in the sun, he couldn't remember.

A blue ball of electricity burst into tendrils just above his head. The Colossus had made its appearance. Fueled by "I'm completely doomed" motivation, he let out a loud yell and jumped out from cover, letting loose a volley of explosives.

+++++++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE+++++++++

"_So much space, walls of stone, it's amazing… I wish my friends could see it… ….. .. I wish Shepard were here."_

Shepard replayed the message again, staring at the face on the screen. His heart squeezed tight in his chest and he felt his throat closing up. He was glad for the helmet on his face; they wouldn't be able to see his expression.

"Commander, I found it." Garrus announced from across the room. Shepard tore himself from the message log and came up beside Garrus, who motioned towards the comm screen. He could see a holographic image, staticy though it was, of Tali'Zorah. "That quarian on the comm told us we could talk to her with this, if I remember it right." Shepard nodded, but his hand trembled and he hesitated.

"Maybe we ought to search the room a little more, first." Shepard attempted sounding decisive.

Miranda Lawson was suddenly very close beside him. He was a little uncomfortable with the location of her hand; stuck to his butt. She clicked her tongue. "Commander, your quarian could be dead. Let's make it a priority to make sure we aren't wasting our time, yes?" She got even closer and pressed into him; her hip against his. He figured she must have some abandonment issues that left her with the exasperating need to have physical contact with other humans as much as possible or else go insane, and decided to tolerate it; the mission was more important.

"Let me go check over there, first. I think I spy some contained iridium." He power-walked away.

Miranda rolled her eyes and pounded the comm screen connect button.

The purple quarian was obscured through static before the image straightened out, and her voice came through. "Hello. Is anyone there?" It seemed she'd been repeating this for a long time.

"Not whoever you're looking for." Tali's head snapped up at the voice, and her glowing eyes narrowed, suspicious. Miranda continued in lofty monotone. "Your quarian friends are all dead. Com-plete-ly slaughtered."

"Miss Cerberus Scum!" Garrus growled her name.

"You… you're the Cerberus woman that was with Shepard…." Tali said, thinking out loud. "What did you do to my friends?"

Miranda examined her nails coolly. "**I** didn't do anything. Perhaps you should ask **John** what happened."

"Who is 'John'?" Tali was close to losing her temper, the Cerberus Operative noted with contained glee. Her shoulders were shaky, and her eyes kept darting back and forth. She knew who John Shepard was. Tali knew who she was referring to. The quarian just didn't want to believe it. Miranda had to bite her incredibly attractive lip to keep from laughing.

Garrus rolled his eyes and pushed Lawson aside. He pressed a thumb to the comm button and greeted her. "Tali. It's Garrus. We're here to help you."

But Tali didn't relax a bit. "Right. Before or after you kill the rest of my squad."

"Yes. No. Sorry. Miss Cerberus Scum doesn't know when a joke isn't funny. Tell us where you are. We'll head over there immediately."

Tali nodded slowly, and started messing with her omni-tool. Upon Garrus's confirmation; he had received the message, she lowered her head and asked in a quiet, barely audible voice. "Is Shepard with you?"

"Yes. He is with me." Miranda cut in. "In more ways than one." She added suggestively after some thought.

Garrus shook his head at her antics. "We'll be heading there now, Tali. Over and out." The he cut the connection. "Commander! Let's go." He called.

+++++++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE+++++++++

The odds were virtually impossible against him. 50 geth and a Colossus versus his grenade launcher. But that was just fine with Kal'Reegar. Impossibility came with the job of being Kal'Reegar. He was the strongest warrior the Migrant Fleet had to offer and the most attractive, and he could prove it if he could ever find a perfect lady to link suit environments with. Yes, he was an incredibly potent man; he struck fear in evildoers across the universe. Mere mention of his name causes vorcha within a thirty foot radius to urinate themselves to an extensive amount and krogan to enter into a self-defensive bloodlust state. Turians were largely unaffected, though it has been proven that their left eye begins to twitch uncontrollably if his name is stated loudly enough. Tests on humans are still being conducted. But despite his success; 13 hundred geth squads slaughtered and 12 geth armatures torn apart, he had yet to find true love. Until now.

He knew it in his gut. Tali'Zorah vas Neema was the one for him.

And his gut was always right.

The path to her love was clear as the sunlight of Haestrom; all he had to do was defeat this massive geth horde and her heart would be his.

Behind his mask, he smiled.

He would win; it was destiny. Letting out a yell that could shake stone, he jumped from behind the cover, and was about to squeeze the trigger when a Trooper jumped in front of him and pulled the trigger on its shotgun.

It blasted a hole through his left arm; though for all intensive purposes it appeared as a black smudge. He yelled and pistoled the creature to death before dropping back into cover.

Perhaps destiny wasn't so easy to obtain as he had first figured.

Suddenly a group of three fell into place beside him; two humans and a monocled turian. They were not quarians. Must have been the dude just landed here; the one he spoke with on the comm. He had assumed they were dead, too, after having lost contact.

It was time to introduce himself, he realized. How rude of him to just gawk at these strapping men. "SQUAD LEADER KAL'REEGAR, MIGRANT FLEET MARINES! WE TALKED ON THE RADIO BEFORE THAT DROPSHIP ARRIVED!"

One of them started covering their ears with their palms. "Stop shouting!" The white and black one screamed.

"You are very loud." The turian stated quietly.

"My ear drums are going to explode." The third one groaned.

Kal'Reegar nodded. "YES, WE ARE GOING TO EXPLODE THE GETH! I HAVE A HOLE IN MY SUIT. NOW LET'S GO!" He got up to charge the line, but the man with them reached out and grabbed his arm.

"You have a what in your what?"

"A **HOLE** IN MY **SUIT**!"

Miranda shook her head in disbelief. "I didn't think it was possible for someone to be so loud you could hardly hear them."

"You can't go charging into a battlefield with a hole in your suit! You'll die!" Shepard spoke very loudly.

"STOP YELLING IT'S RUDE!" Reegar couldn't believe the nerve of some humans.

Shepard sighed. "Maybe you should guard the back. Take it easy and make sure you don't get infected. Tali would be angry if you died."

Kal'Reegar paused, thinking it over. "ALRIGHT." He decided.

Shepard nodded, and then motioned to his squad. "Move out!"

++++THEY KILLED THE GETH AND STUFF+++++

Past the Colossus' corpse was the room Tali'Zorah was in, Kal'Reegar had told them. Shepard swallowed. The last time he had seen Tali, she had been disgusted at him for turning the quarian Veetor over to Cerberus. But now they had saved her life. And that of her squad mate. Mate. What a disgusting word. At least in reference to Tali and Kal'Reegar. He shuddered and tried to think happier thoughts. She would join him now. He was sure of it. And if she refused him again, he might get a little touchy with his gun. He was a very sensitive guy, even though he always spoke in military monotone. Good thing he brought Garrus with him; the turian had the muscle to hold him back if his feelings got hurt.

He sucked in a deep breath and entered the room.

Tali slowly turned her head, back to him as his footsteps resounded.

"Thank you, Shepard. If not for you, I would never have made it out of this room." She said sincerely. She finished typing something in, then turned to face him. "This whole mission has been a disaster... I wish I had joined you back on Freedom's Progress, but I couldn't let anyone take my place on a mission this risky." She stared down at the floor.

"Oh." Shepard said. Now he felt a sting of regret for being so petty in relation to Veetor. "Well... Can you join us now?"

"Yes. I can leave with you once I deliver the data to the fleet."

He felt at a loss for words, and struggled to find them. "Well, good then. Let's go." Miranda was staring at him intently, which only added to his discomfort.

She grabbed his arm, then quickly pulled away when he whirled around so quickly. "S-sorry!" Her voice was shaky. "But I have to ask... Can we bring Kal'Reegar with us? The geth broke down our ship. He'd be stranded here otherwise."

Nothing could ruin his mood now. Shepard was walking on sunshine. "Yeah. That won't be a problem."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: lol charisma +3 made me laugh and pushed me to publish it today before i had the next chapter done. (you rock, crow murderer)  
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**I REALLY wanted to pull a Princess Bride in this one, but I'm just terrible at fight scenes D: You know, Reegar in there with his grenade launcher, yelling "MY NAME IS KAL'REEGAR MONTOYA! YOU KILLED MY SQUAD! PREPARE TO DIE!" ...even if no one gets it, I'm still sad I had no idea how to fit it in ;_;  
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**Thank you for the reviews! It's really fun to read them all. I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day!**

**I especially like the ones that took my advice to say that it's stupid. :D Maybe I've got a bit of masochist in my bones :0**

**I kept in mind that I should exaggerate the characters more (thank you, Made Nightwing! I like how strong ur opinion is. it's refreshing :)) , but I really want to establish the story first, then go crazy with it later... got to get Jack in the fray first before I can start making some real chaos get in there :D ohhhh the plans i have hehehehehehehh  
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**But don't stop now; a new chapter is up! And the review button is still itchy! Go on, send horrendous abuse, constructive criticism, and helpful praise my way! :D**

**Btw I'm not sure if I should throw Garrus/Tali into the love web (shout-out to Decaying Moon! :D) later or not... any suggestions?  
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	3. The Big Bad Blue Freak of Nature

+++++AT MESS HALL+++++

Miranda suspected Tali'Zorah of being the dreaded object of affection. Between obvious body language, and the way the Commander was always clutching at his heart when the hip-acious engineer's back was turned, she had started to narrow down the suspects to the quarian and Doctor Chakwas (man, that woman had a potent bedside manner!). But this was what Miranda Lawson was hoping for; a quarian posed no threat. It was ridiculous that she had been so cautious before. Miranda knew this. As a genetically enhanced, gorgeous, and virtually irresistible woman, she needed only force herself upon the Commander and the threat would be over. The quarian would not stand a chance; the very fact she was a quarian meant the creature was only capable at being nothing more than a passing interest to the Commander Shepard anyway. And Miranda Lawson was very skilled at being a "much more exciting than thou" kind of passing interest.

So you can imagine her glee once her suspicions were confirmed; during lunch, Shepard would only sit next to the purple quarian, and growled like an angry lion whenever a third wheel would show up (like Jacob or that overly loud quarian male). The tips of his ears would erupt into bright crimson whenever said female stood beside him, or was even close enough to touch. His smile was never more genuine than when around her; the relaxation around eyes and the ease with which it stretched across his face was uncanny. And unprecedented.

_Physical attraction works its wonders on men._ Miranda smiled lazily, observing the duo during lunch hour. _And the Commander is immensely susceptible, I see._

No doubt he was thirsting for a woman's touch. He must be desperate for affection, and was drowning in the quarian's blatant admiration. She held back a barely less than flawless giggle; she knew it was only a matter of time; the battle plan was already impermeable, which was only natural as it was formed by her faultless brain. First she would wait for an opportunity; for when the Commander was at his weakest, then in the most crucial of moments, she would bring out the THING. The most powerful weapon at her disposal. It was even more flawless than her usual flawless self.

Then Miranda Lawson flawlessly bit into the acidic flavor of fresh salad drenched in vinaigrette, sucked the liquids from the leaf and savored it in her flawless mouth.

"Can't you eat your salad normally?" Jacob said exasperatedly.

+++++COCKPIT+++++

"Joker, put in the coordinates for Dossier: Convict, alright?" Commander Shepard said.

"Okay," Joker replied.

+++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE++++++

Kal'Reegar knew something everyone else didn't.

The geth didn't destroy the quarian ship.

Kal'Reegar's grenade launcher did.

It was because his battle plan had failed that he was forced to result to such a means to capture his lady's heart. But it mattered little. He would rush the romance as he rushed the geth. It was time to make the moves.

He sauntered into the engineer deck, only to realize he had chosen the wrong door. Undeterred, he just decided to pass by the two engineers and continue on to have some Tali time.

"Don't get me wrong. It's a beautiful bucket." Donnelly was saying to his compatriot. "The whole suit is lovely. Quite snug in all the right places."

Reegar stiffened. "WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" He asked politely.

"Ach, man. You don't have to get your panties in a tussie." The scot winced, and plugged his ears with his pinkies. "I was talking about the bucket head over there. The pretty lady with dem nice hips; nice enough to make a man to do some terrible things like steal her away and explode the ship so no one can follow, you get me?"

With an earth-shaking roar filled with both immense jealousy and guilty terror, Kal'Reegar pounced on the man and beat him to a pulp.

Normandy's response was to throw him in the brig. Apparently ship captains didn't take to well to tussles on the ship, though the turian had defended Reegar vehemently, preaching that ship fights were the only way to relieve stress on the stuffy boat, and that this engagement was proof that the ship needed a boxing ring right in the middle of the calibration room. But Kal'Reegar wasn't too disappointed about the arrangement. He was actually spending more time with Tali'Zorah in jail than he had in the six months on Haestrom. She came down every day to give him preservatives and strengthening serums, and would even sit and talk for hours during her days off.

The odds of capturing her heart were increasing at an unprecedented rate. But he would have to attack a lot more men, he was sure, before it became a reality.

++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE+++++

"Tali, come with me on the mission." Shepard said in his usual monotone, but Miranda noticed the sweat down his brow; like he was a ten-year-old, asking a much taller girl to his first dance.

Tali shook her head. "I'd rather not, Shepard. I don't know how I'll react to the system of … government … here. Buying and selling prisoners, people is wrong." She sighed. "I don't want to be in your way."

The three of them stood just in front of the airlock, about to set out on their mission. But apparently, Tali'Zorah had assumed Shepard just wanted to say goodbye before setting off, and had come up to the place completely unprepared. And now they were at an impasse, Miranda Lawson rolled her eyes in an incredibly sexy and flawless manner.

Shepard seemed to be running thoughts in his head, and he and Tali just stared blankly at each other, unmoving except for the occasional blink.

Miranda found herself unable to move or say anything either.

This lasted for about five minutes.

Then suddenly Shepard moved, scratched his blood-red ear, and she could move too, and so could Tali. It was all very strange.

"You're not a liability." He breathed. "But I understand. Stay. I'll bring someone else."

Somewhere in the universe, in front of a big screen television and this universe containing object known commonly as the Xbox 360, a gamer threw down their controller and screamed in frustration, cursing themselves for choosing the vaguely worded paragon dialogue option.

In the end, Shepard chose Grunt and Garrus, calling them his "lucky G-home bois". And though they had no idea what it meant, they smiled proudly and took it in stride.

The trio waved their farewells to the crew around the airlock, and the crew glanced over and nodded before going back to moving their hands through the air in front of them. They were the ship atmosphere testers.

Thus, they left the Normandy, and took their first steps onto a maximum security prison starship, the Purgatory.

+++++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE+++++++++

The engine room was the most comforting area on the ship. The soft hum of the calibrators, and the muted yet entertaining banter between Donnelly and his partner created an ambience Tali'Zorah had missed on the Neema. But the makeshift shelter was short-lived. Miranda Lawson had decided to play assistant engineer for the day, and her presence made the room the most unpleasant on the ship.

And to top it off, the Cerberus Scum refused to stop talking about Shepard!

"It was around when I was reconstructing his arm," Miranda reminisced. "that I began to realize just how well muscled the man was. Of course, I've seen and slept with in a very perfect manner many strong men roped with muscles, but there was something particularly intriguing with the muscles of the Commander… They seemed more muscular somehow."

Clearly, the woman thought her story to be enormously fascinating.

"But I digress…" She sighed. "It was the butt of the Commander which finally pulled me in. The perfect shape, the soft curves and the way it clenches and unchlenches just sends shivers down my genetically-enhanced spine…." She shivered at the mere memory of staring at his butt.

Tali felt herself beginning to shake with rage, and caught herself. She took a deep breath, clenched her teeth, and went back to work.

Miranda was staring at her with a raised genetically enhanced eyebrow.

+++++INSIDE PURGATORY+++++

Turns out it was a trap; the warden of the starship Purgatory didn't want to sell them Jack, the merchandise. Instead, he wanted to capture Shepard. This would not stand in the book of the Commander Shepard. It was time to use wits, guile, and all the assets that came with being a savior of the civilized universe; which basically came down to his gun.

But that was all it took. They shot a lot of Blue Sun mercs.

Now the prison halls were deserted, and the clip clop of the squad's boots echoed hollowly down the narrow path. Grunt kept shaking around, and prancing. He hadn't been in his right mind lately. He kept running into walls and breaking crates apart. If he had an excuse to tear something up, he took it. Shepard would be a little more concerned with this behavior if he could muster up a shred of care. It was hard to care about something that followed you like a pet; though this unique trait was something the man was starting to question. He had killed every hamster Yeoman Chambers had put up in his cabin, and didn't know why. It was like something or someone was trying to control him. He suspected Miranda. She probably HAD put the control chip in his brain and lied about the Illusive Man being against it. _I'll have to confront her on this_ He clenched his jaw decisively.

"Are we there yet?" Garrus groaned. They were only halfway down the hall.

"We'll get there when we get there!" Shepard snapped.

"Are we there yet?" Apparently Grunt didn't have ears.

+++++THEY GET THERE+++++

Shepard pressed the button. Through pure intuition he knew it would unlock the most locked-down crate in the starship. So they viewed through the glass the capsule slowly lifting. Smoke poured out and within the minute they caught their first glimpse of the notorious convict.

"It's," Garrus began.

"It's very hideous." Shepard noted.

And it was. Covered in ink and head shaved dry, Jack had always wanted to get a tan. Unfortunately, her skin didn't have the melanin necessary for such a goal. So after spending years attempting it, the biotic gave up and got the second-best thing. Tattoos over her whole body. Then she decided she should be more rebellious and live up to her ink; Jack joined a motorbike gang and they shaved her luscious blonde locks, leaving her with a post-heavy illness sort of appearance. But despite this, Jack still wanted to be a real girl, and applied lipstick and mascara daily to her scrawny face. Also, her bra was made with a single strand of hair plucked from the head of her motorcycle mentor. It was miraculously positioned in such a way that it covered completely both her nipples.

Shepard thought it was the most grotesque thing he had seen in his whole life. "Someone kill it." He groaned.

Then she started glowing blue. Letting out a feral roar, she charged into a wall, and it melted at the contact.

Surprisingly, Grunt was unimpressed. Upon interrogation, he supplied the following answer; "Needs more TEARING THE PLACE UP."

Then they went back to the docking bay and stood around until Jack showed up.

She took one look out the docking bay window and threw herself on the ground. Then she screamed. "Aaaaaaaaaaargh! Cerrrrrberrrrussssss!" She banged the ground, and started hitting the walls with glowing blue stuff. "I hate CeRbERus! AAAAAARrrrrRRRrrRrrrrRRrrrgh! I haTE tHEm! I hATe tHeM! I HATE hATe HAte HaTe thEm!"

Grunt nodded his understanding.

Garrus stared in disgusted fascination.

Shepard pulled out the tranquilizer gun (Miranda had slipped it into his butt—that is—**back** pocket when he left the ship) and fired.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Oh snap. I really have no idea if I'm doing Jack's character at all true to the original. She really freaked me out when I played though. Everytime I was in the same room as her, I was so scared she was gonna try to rip the arteries right out of my throat with her teeth alone. The other impression I got was that she was like a little kid that liked to throw tantrums. Please offer insight if I'm totally off. :O  
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**I'm kinda sad that there were less abusive reviews. I WANT MOAR HATE MAIL!  
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**Logan, you make me laugh XD**

**Sorry, NucaCola. I might end up falling to the cliche temptation of making Tali overcome with male admirers. :0 Especially for her loyalty Q...  
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**Random Reader, the answer is LOOK AT MY PEN NAME! lol :)**

**Decaying Moon, just you wait till the next chapter... just you wait jajajajajjajajajajajaja**


	4. The Thickening Plot Broth

++++++++++++++DECK 4.5: THE BRIG++++++++++++++++

Tali sighed deeply, hand on the side of her plated head. Shepard had been gone a long time. Normally, this wouldn't worry her so much; he had often gone on missions without her back on the SSV, but somehow, with Cerberus funding everything, it worried her half to death when he wasn't in proximity for contact. Recently, she had come across a multitude of hidden cameras and comms throughout the ship; Cerberus had been monitoring the entire mission, even from the beginning. This made the whole crew vulnerable; should anyone say or do anything that Cerberus didn't approve of, the company could attack them swiftly and without warning. And there was no way anyone on board would be able to see it coming. Like slaughtering sheep. She shook her head at the thought, trying to clear her head.

"WHAT'S WRONG?" The red quarian beside her asked. "ARE YOU OKAY?"

She was eternally grateful for the volume-control option of her suit. "Yes. I'm fine. Please, eat."

Kal'Reegar nodded, and the chains bound around his wrists jingled as he inserted the syringe into his enviro-tubes.

"WHEN WILL WE RETURN TO THE FLOTILLA?" He quipped as the sustenance entered his blood system, stimulating him instantly.

Tali held back another sigh. He asked this every time. "I do not know, Kal'Reegar. I don't control where the ship goes."

"I SEE." He stated thoughtfully.

There was a dead silence as Tali waited politely for him to hand over the now-empty syringe so she could return it to mess hall and be on her way. But once again he held it hostage.

"DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD ASK THE HUMANS WHEN WE WILL GET A CHANCE TO COME BACK?"

Tali really had no idea. "I guess. But who do you want to ask?"

"THE BLACK ONE."

"Jacob? But he's from Cerberus!"

"I SEE." He stated thoughtfully.

++++++++AIRLOCK++++++++++

Shepard boarded the Normandy with a large brown bag slung over his back. He was bent over at the weight. "Pick up a few elephants on the Purgatory, Commander?" Joker quipped.

"Shut up, soldier." the Commander said sharply, earning a mocking two-handed surrender from the pilot.

Miranda looked him up and down studiously as he past her, and offered a raised eyebrow at the new baggage. "The convict?" She pointed.

Garrus nodded the answer as he followed, just in step behind Shepard.

Upon reaching the Communications Room, he dumped the body bag onto the floor, and the contents yelled out in pain. Jack squirmed her way out of her living area, and glared at the miniature crowd. Shepard had issued a crew meeting to decide what to do with the thing; kill it or eat it or possibly tame it?

"So Jack is a girl. Not a man, despite what her name suggests." Miranda noted. "Though a third option seems even more likely."

The thing roared. "Watch yourself, cheerleader, or I'll splatter your guts all over this ship!" Then the girl's eyes fell on the Cerberus logo on Miranda's shoulder. "CeRBeRUs? I HaTE CeRBeRUs!" And she really did. Cerberus had stolen everything from her. Her feminity, the curves she could have had, and most of all, all chance of ever having a tan.

Before she could start tearing apart the only thing between him and space, Shepard yelled at her. "At ease, soldier! Get a hold of yourself!"

"SCrEw YOu!" She screamed.

"No." Miranda cut in possessively. "That's my job."

Everyone in the room stared at her audacity with wide eyes until her audacity got embarrassed and jumped out a window in shame.

"Look, we all hate Cerberus here." Shepard said soothingly, ignoring Miranda's contradicting reply. "And we all like killing stuff. Let's all be united under these two truths."

Tali had just entered the room in time to hear above statement. She was really hoping it was supposed to be a joke. Human humor always seemed over her head.

"Really." Jack squinted. "In that case, there's a building I want to explode. You in?"

"Yes." Shepard said with his mouth, but his body, his shaking head and thumbs-down positioning of hands, said "No"

Lucky for him, or perhaps extremely unlucky for him depending on the reader's opinion, the only thing Jack was staring at was his butt, which clenched…. And unchlenched.

++++++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE++++++++++

"I don't like her." Miranda announced as she set her tray in front of Jacob's. "She was staring at the Commander for much longer than is strictly necessary."

Jacob stopped mid-steak-in-the-mouth. "Who? Tali? But she's so sweet. And have you seen those hips?" He started taking off his shirt as he thought about dem hips.

Miranda bit into her salad, and swallowed it, though it tasted like rock grit. "That biotic waste of space should be shoved out the airlock." She grit her shiny white teeth. "I'd do it myself, too. If I could only get her alone…."

"Oh, you're talking about the bald girl we just picked up." Jacob nodded. His shirt was across the room on a yacht. His shirt was now diamonds! "Isn't she always alone? Below deck 3, she just sits in her hovel and stares at the wall for hours. Alone."

Miranda's perfect brain took in and began to process this information faster than the speeds brought on by the Mass Relays and began to form a flawless plan. A plan, or perhaps, a plot. A plot for murder.

++++++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE++++++++++

Garrus Vakarian was in the middle of some calibrations when Doctor Chakwas walked in on him.

"Got some time to talk?" She asked.

"Can it wait? I'm in the middle of some calibrations." Garrus replied, jabbing his thumb towards the upgrade platform.

Doctor Chakwas shook her head. "No, it really can't. There's something I need you to do. Come with me." She reached out and gripped his arm tight. "I need you for this."

Garrus, alarmed, nodded. "Of course. I'll just finish up this last upgrade, and meet you… where?"

The doctor shook her head slowly. "I cannot tell you. Just trust me."

The turian was a little weirded out, but nodded anyway, concern being the more prominent sentiment.

This turned out to be the biggest mistake of his turian life.

+++++++++++DECK 2: COMBAT INFORMATION CENTER++++++++++++

The Commander Shepard couldn't help but notice how useless and disposable Yeoman Chambers was. Her "job" could be easily replaced by a small holo computer that said messages out loud. The only thing she beat his current personal computer on was the fact she could be used to draw fire from him for a few seconds before she got slaughtered on the battlefield.

"There are no new messages in your private terminal." She announced. "Tali'Zorah, the quarian, wishes to speak with you."

That statement piqued his interest, dulled though it was by how utterly boring she was. "I should go." And Shepard did go.

+++++++DECK 4: ENGINEERING++++++++

"Shepard." Tali was waiting for him just outside the elevator. "It's good to see you down here." She motioned towards the drive core. "Do you have time to talk?"

Numbly, he nodded and followed her down the hall, trying to keep his eyes up.

"I've taken notice of certain annoyances on board the ship." She said slowly, after they were well into the hall, in too deep for anyone to see. It gave almost a semblance of privacy that Shepard was grateful for. He never seemed to get her alone. "And I know you're very busy, and I don't want to waste your time, so I'll get right to the point." Tali took in a deep breath. "Cerberus covered the SR-2 with bugs."

"Like cockroaches. I've noticed. I know they're gross, but we can get through this, Tali."

"No. Cockroaches? No! I thought bugs were…. Isn't it a human term?" She scrambled for her omni-tool. "I thought the site was flawless! It… Oh. Flawless. Of course." She moved over beside him and held her arm out in front, showing a glowing picture of Miranda Lawson and the title _How to Speak to Humans; the Guide for the Less Fortunate Alien: A Flawless Collection of Human Termage_. "She wrote it. No wonder you didn't understand. I was talking about the hidden comms and cameras Cerberus had hidden throughout the ship."

"Ah." Came Shepard's monosyllable reply of understanding.

"I'm not sure whether I should strip them all down and risk suspicion and possible conflict. Especially since you're choosing to play by their rules for now." She realized she was standing very close to him, and moved to be across from him instead, glad her helmet could hide her expression. "So, what should we do, Shepard?"

Shepard started thinking. And then nobody could move.

This could take a while so let's switch to:

+++++++THE MYSTERIOUS UNMAPPED AREA OF THE SHIP+++++++

Blindfolded and gagged per the increasingly strange doctor's insistence, Garrus tried to feel his way down the narrow passageway, having only Chakwas' voice to guide him. Suddenly, the human's hand was on his face, right between his mandibles, stopping him instantly. "Sit." She insisted. And he sat, in a rather squishy chair that kept globbing around his self. "You may remove your blindfold." Garrus obediently untied the dark piece of cloth.

"So what's this all about, Chakwas?" The room was pitch dark except for a blindingly bright light about a turian's length and armspan wide. Garrus squinted as his eyes adjusted. Suddenly he seized up, staring in terror on what the screen portrayed. His voice was panicky when he yelled out. "What's the…. Oh no. No!" He heard a hiss and click as the hanger door dropped closed and locked behind him. "No! Noooo!"

But the noise of his cry never left the room.

And he was left alone to stare in horror at the brainwashing terror that is…

…

….

..

_Fleet and Flotilla_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: ohhhhh snap. What is poor Garrus's fate? and what will happen to Tali and Shepard now that they're finally alone(probably nothing)? and will Miranda succeed with her evil murder plot? And will Shepard remember that he's supposed to be paranoid? TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR whatever.**

**HMMMmmMMMmMmm**

**The reviews last chapter kept me goin. Once again I send me thanks...**

** But I feel like the story's missing something important... Anyone got any ideas?  
><strong>


	5. Turians Are Easily Brainwashed

+++++++THE HIDEY-HOLE+++++++

Jack was happy to be alone.

Being around people was exhausting; they always expected so much of her. She didn't really want to act like a lunatic, frothing at the mouth and trying to destroy everything in sight, but she didn't want to let her old motorbike crew down. She had to keep with the traditions of old; she was the only **Bloody Skull Smash Your Face** gang banger left….

But she wasn't sure how much of this she could take. She wanted to be a normal girl! To dress up with frills and high heels! To sing songs to birds and frolic across meadows! To go on a date with Commander Shepard's butt! To do nothing but watch it clench and unclench! She didn't want this!

But she had to do it.

She had to be psycho.

They were counting on her.

No Teeth, Bloodmouth, UglyFace, and Strange1. They were all watching over her, their ghastly tattooed sprites always were circling above her, always demanding that she carry on their teachings. Eventually, Jack became convinced their mission was her mission. She was a **Bloody Skull Smash Your Face** gang banger and she had to live up to that great tradition.

Then her alarm clock beeped. It had been thirty minutes. Time to keep up the appearances.

She let out a roar and started trashing up the place.

++++++++ENGINEERING+++++++++

Miranda stood poised just above Jack's hidey-hole, watching crates and blankets be thrown and trashed about along with the occasional glimpse of an inked arm.

_So, Jack._ She mused. _You sense my presence? Impressive. It seems I underestimated how far Cerberus went with you. I will have to leave for now so that I may recalculate. You're very fortunate… _

And then she disappeared into the shadows….

+++++++++DRIVE CORE+++++++++

"Alright." Shepard nodded. "Let's tear that Cerberus spy equipment up together!" The mature adult (17+) behind the controller cheered. This conveniently genderless person hated having to reload.

"T-Together?" Tali stammered incredulously. "B-But you have work to do! Don't you..?"

The Commander shook his head thoughtfully. "All I've actually accomplished lately is stare at the Galaxy Map… Well... Other than that, I sit aside waiting for Garrus to finish up his calibrations, which let me tell you is a total waste of time. Sometimes I start to wonder if he's really working, or actually watching famous classics like the Titanic… It would explain the popcorn…."

Tali didn't really know how to react to this, but decided to take his soliloquy as a good sign. "Well, since you seem to have some time… I would certainly welcome your company. Thank you, Shepard."

"Tali, that's… really sweet." Shepard said into his fist. He was shy. In a soldiery way.

"Did you say something, Shepard?" She was already halfway down the hall.

Shepard cursed his hesitation. "No. No I did not." He checked his omni-tool (which, since he was a soldier, was basically an oversized watch), and was shocked that to find it was already half-past two. He could have sworn he had only been talking with Tali for a few minutes. How had the time escaped him so suddenly? "Tali. Change of plans. Let's go grab a bite to eat and get back to work scrapping the crap later. Come on."

Throughout the elevator ride up, Tali scrambled through Lawson's _How to Speak to Humans; the Guide for the Less Fortunate Alien: A Flawless Collection of Human Termage __for the meaning behind "scrapping the crap". Her search would prove both fruitless and disheartening._

+++++++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE++++++++++++

In the middle of the mess hall, Miranda suddenly stood and turned around, and tried to see behind her to her rear end.

"Jacob, I've been meaning to ask you," Miranda began slowly.

"Yes?" He was currently trimming his goatee, but he always had time for a friend.

"Does this outfit make my butt look big?" She had suddenly been struck with the notion that her Cerberus uniform could have this effect on others a few days ago, when the Doctor Chakwas had asked her if she had butt cancer.

"Yes." Jacob nodded.

"Good."

There was a hiss as the elevator door opened downwards and the chatter of an intense discussion invaded the air as Tali and Shepard entered the hall.

Shepard currently had the floor as he escorted the quarian to their usual table. "See, crap is a word 'we humans' use to describe feces. It's really quite simple. There's worse termage, of course, but nothing proper to use before a proper lady like yourself." He seemed to be thinking again. "and scrapping basically means throwing away. Not too complicated."

Tali was still trying to get over the fact that he had called her a 'proper lady'.

There was a blue flash and suddenly a turian had cut in between them. Garrus glared at Shepard, who returned the look with no small amount of confusion. There was a wild look in the alien's eyes. Then the turian turned to Tali, who stared at the two of them with no small amount of incredulity. "Tali. Come with me." His voice came out hoarse and thick.

"But, Shepard and I were," She started, but Garrus cut into her protest. He grabbed her wrist and, with an insistent "NOW", he forcibly removed her from the cafeteria, and into the calibrating room… oh snap.

The Commander Shepard gawked after them with his mouth agape. Unsure whether to shrug it off or storm after them, he stood about ponderously until Miranda Lawson and Jacob appeared before him.

"Commander." Miranda somehow managed to tilt her head so it appeared she was looking down on him even though he was at least a full foot taller. "We need to talk."

Something clicked in the Commander's mind. "You made me kill all those space hamsters, didn't you?"

Miranda took a cautious step back as Shepard's bloodlust exploded across the room. "What?"

"Ramsey, Toto, and Orangatang. They're all dead. I ripped their heads off with my own hands." He stared down at his calloused soldier man hands. They had done terrible horrible deeds, but none struck his conscience like the murder of those poor innocent animals. Those squishballs of adorability could have been a part of his life. "I don't think I'll ever forgive you for making me kill them…" A tear squeezed out of the corner of his right eye in a sexy cry. "Even if it did make me stronger…." He turned and fled the room, escaping to his private captain quarters, leaving Jacob and Miranda in absolute confusion until Miranda thought up the flawless answer to a question her infallible mind had formed.

"He's in love with me." She nodded slowly. "That explains everything."

Jacob started taking off his shirt. It was getting hot in here.

+++++++++++++CALIBRATION ROOM+++++++++++++++

Tali sat on a crate, and watched blankly as Garrus raged about the room. He tossed about towels and violently threw feathers at the door.

"Tali!" Her name came out guttural from between his mandibles. "I… I don't know what's happening to me…." His talons cradled his head as his voice grew weak. "I can't stop thinking….. about…"

Concerned, she came up beside him, and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He yelled like she was throwing acid on him with a squirtgun. "What's happened to you, Garrus?"

His omni-tool buzzed, and she quickly closed the distance and gripped it tight. Her bright eyes widened when she saw what was on the view screen. "Is that that one movie Zatilan and Joseta were talking about…? The one that caused countless pillages and rapes on quarian girls… And the culprits were always turian males? Garrus, why are you watching …" She drifted off.

"It's called _Fleet and Flotilla_," Garrus groaned. "And it's turned me into a monster."

She turned to face him, her eyes narrow. "Garrus, it's a movie. It can't actually do that. What's really going on?"

His avian eyes were blurry when he looked at her. "Tali, I…." His mandibles were moving at an unprecedented frequency and the sound of buzzing bumblebees filled the room. "I want you. Come into my arms. Quickly." He began walking towards her, taloned arms extended. Backing away, Tali felt her back hit the cold wall.

Then she realized she was trapped.

+++++++++++INSERT TRANSITION HERE++++++++++++

Up in his cabin, Shepard tried to regain a hold of himself, tried to keep memories of those beautiful hamsters from infiltrating his thoughts tearing apart his composure. Who knows what he might do, should those little creatures enslave him to their vengeful will? He desperately needed a distraction, and as though in a drunken daze, he fumbled for his holo computer. "Any new messages?" He croaked, and the screen beeped. And his email shone; new messages were highlighted red. He touched a finger to the top one.

It was from Ash, he realized with a start. Written to be precise, contained but to the point, the message mirrored her to an amount uncanny. His hamster-murdering fist clenched along with his heart because he missed her.

_Hey skipper,_

_ I just got the heads-up from Wrex. He explained everything. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you before. I don't know if I can ever make up for it, but I'm going to do my best. I just resigned from the Alliance. Got a dishonorable discharge, which is about the best I could hope for considering the circumstances, I guess. Meet you at Omega. We'll take care of that Collector threat… together, skipper. Just like old times._

_ Ash_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I got it up. A little past the week mark, but I DEED IT! :D Stupid midterms. Anyway, turns out turians are supposed to be dinosaur birds according to Drew Karpyshyn…. Huh, never really thought of it that way. Sort of gives a big-bird kinda feel, though doesn't it lol. **

**Thank you for reviewing last chapter (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) its always enjoyable to get feedback. Helps mold the story. **

**For those few of you that care, Kal'Reegar will return to the party next chapter! Wootz **


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